Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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