I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
