I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
