Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We need to get me chipped asap
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
