Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
