Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize