hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
nutella sex= disaster
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
