drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
where does the pee come out of this thing
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
