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I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
