i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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