david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
