remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
