Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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