the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
