Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
