I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize