I'm gonna have a badass scar
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize