i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I wish there were birth control emojis
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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