i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
