Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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