Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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