Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
