I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
