I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
