Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
