it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
