You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
