I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
