I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
