Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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