normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
