I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
