Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
