my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize