Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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