i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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