Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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