I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
