Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
