who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
