SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
