It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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