So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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