Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize