awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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