just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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