It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
