new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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