How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
