the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
