And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
