I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he puts the penis in happiness.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
