Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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