even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
