either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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