mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
