I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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