your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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