Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize