tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize