My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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