i jhust puked up my retainher.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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