Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
