how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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