Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
