Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
